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GREAT weekend!! [Jun. 6th, 2010|01:16 pm]
[mood |energeticenergetic]

So last week was nuts with my work schedule. But I definitely made up for it with the weekend that I had. Got totally drunk with Manda Friday night (and met the "new guy" - who seems really cool too!). I actually DID have a blast that night. I did get pretty sick at the end of the night - and THAT wasn't any fun. BUT even that had a good side to it - (i'll quote Manda) if I *ever* doubt that Alex loves me, I will remember Friday night. I felt so bad, but he took SUCH good care of me!
*After* I finally started to feel better on Saturday, I went over to the kids' house - even with tom there! - and hung out til midnight! THEN got to meet mom and the kids for lunch today too!
Still have work this afternoon - and gotta clean out my pantry tonight, but that's okay.
Vacation Bible School starts tomorrow too! And I get to help with the music and/or the kindergartners - either one is gonna be a lot of fun! This is gonna be a great week!!
PLUS - i get to finish preparing for JC's baby shower on Sunday too!

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Counseling - Session #5 [May. 26th, 2010|09:49 pm]
[mood |amusedamused]

So Tom joined this time, which was actually quite amusing. Of course the counselor asks if anyone would like to contribute, ect...for 26 minutes he doesn't say a thing (even after being offered the "floor" twice). When the counselor asks him directly to contribute, he says "I'm just relieved *they're* working through *their* problems". I swear I heard the counselor chuckle at that one...Oh, and mom (tho predictable) places all the blame on ME that she's been "put in the middle all these years". Anyway, unsure if the session was actually productive. It would be great if counseling actually solved something - but at this point, even my optimistic self is thinking that nothing is really gonna change. I think it's simply a case of too little too late. But by me showing up, I'm getting to see the kids - and seeing that they're safe. So for me, mission has been accomplished.

On a happier note, I have gotten to see Alex 3 times this week! I think that's a record! Obviously it helps that right now he only has work and no school. (::go alex::go alex::) I threw him a graduation party (no surprise there). What frustrates me tho is that NONE of Alex's friends showed up! I mean, Alex *is* the one who keeps hanging around them - and that's on him. But he wonders WHY I don't care for his friends...they're not really there for him even tho he does so much for them. I think even Alex is starting to notice some of this too...I hope things look up for him soon! With the job hunting too - a library tech position opened up recently (and even in the department he wants!). So he's applying beginning of June - keep fingers crossed!
And I'm gonna get "manda time" on sunday - movies and maybe baby shower shopping. I'm excited!!
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Just feel weird [May. 10th, 2010|05:57 pm]
[mood |lonelylonely]

Funny how human emotions can change so quickly. Felt like I was on "cloud nine" on Saturday & Sunday. Was canceled on Saturday - and was never called in. So I was able to spend the entire day with mom & Tim (in from out of town) & kids - at THEIR house. (A new breakthrough by the way). Then was able to sing at church on Sunday AND had lunch with family (#1) for mother's day. Plus, I never got called in to work on Sunday.
Didn't get a chance to see family #2, but I'm sure I'll see them later on this week.

Then Alex decides to call me at 11:30 at night - when I am half asleep, have PJ's on, and the lights are already turned off - to come over and talk. (At the time, I'm thinking "really - now??!!") Now, it's actually a good thing we talked, because a LOT of stuff was addressed that needed to be. Essentially, neither of us want the relationship to become "stagnant". That's what we agree on - HOW to move forward in our relationship is another matter entirely. To ME, I think of getting to know each others' families & spending more time together, ect.... To HIM, it's other areas that I don't think are as important. But I think what frustrated me the most (besides coming over when I'm half asleep!) was that these things have been bothering him for a while - and he's NEVER mentioned ANY of them before now!! But now BOTH of us have a better idea of what we need to work on to make this relationship work.
This is a good thing. It's just that NOW I'm overly-conscious of everything (and that can't be good either). I've been told that the 2-3 year mark is the hardest (by a few different friends), so I guess it makes sense that we're running into some of this now. It's also the longest relationship for both of us - so it's new ground.

For some reason, as of late - today only really - I seem to have a hard time getting a hold of my friends. People have lives, I know, but it's just that at this particular moment, I could use someone to talk to. Hence the lonely icon. But I know that I'll hear from everyone by the end of the week and will feel better.
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Counseling - Session #4 [May. 6th, 2010|09:46 am]
[mood |mellowmellow]

Well - I kinda skipped over #3, but that's okay. I actually don't really "stress" about going to these sessions anymore. Maybe because I'm getting to see the kids more often.
Anyway - reader's digest - as the counselor put it at the end: To me "you need to find a way to balance your role as sister vs. parent". I won't argue him there - it's something i've been struggling with on my own for the last 2-3 years. Old habits are hard to break.... To mom "there are certain criteria for OCS to get involved - but there are *many* habits "under that" that are still *not* healthy". I don't think that was what my mother expected to hear - should've seen the look on her face.
The next session will involve Tom (if he shows). We'll see how this goes....next one isn't til end of May (the 26th I think), so there's a break until then. I might start "stressing" again as it gets closer - if for no other reason, it's been kinda nice not even looking at the man for 7-8 months....

Now onto getting the house clean. I work the next 2 days & on call Sunday. But mom & Liz might be coming over Saturday night after work - and I won't have a chance to clean before then.
Oh, and guess what?? Classical Ensemble is singing again May 9th or May 16th "E'en So Lord Jesus Quickly Come". I need to work my voice back up to some higher notes (B above staff). And ACapella too!! Yay!!
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(no subject) [Apr. 27th, 2010|09:22 pm]
[mood |pleasedpleased]

So I went about a month not really following my "exercise plan" (if you wanna call it that). But now I've kinda gone into overdrive and hurting for it. On Sunday, I exercised for about an hour in the afternoon AND about an hour & a half in the evening, plus swam for 1 hour mid-afternoon (in between). Then work on Monday (exercise in itself). And today, my stupid butt did 45 minutes of DDR and also did a full yoga workout. And I'm scheduled to work the next two days...Not sure if me jumping back into it so quickly is a good thing or bad thing....Either way, gonna try to get back into a schedule: allow myself days that I work 12 hour shifts "off" of workouts. ALTERNATE (instead of doing both like an idiot!) yoga workouts and cardiac workouts.
In other news, I now have my furniture search down to 3 dining room sets (after looking online for 2 hours and checking out 5-6 furniture stores). Hope to make the final decision and actual purchase on Friday. Plus got a lot of random errands run today too. Was a good, productive day!
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Speed Bump #1 [Apr. 13th, 2010|10:57 am]
[mood |confusedconfused]

Okay, so maybe it's a good thing Alex & I did not "friend" each other on here....we've hit our first real issue. And - before I write anymore - YES, I have spoken directly to Alex about all of this at least on some level and just feel the need to write it out.
So I REALLY want him to come to my family vacation with me. I have made this clear to him since December. Since then, he has come up with 3-4 *different* excuses to not come. His current one is that he wants a full time job ASAP. And is nervous to request off with a new job/position. Now - while I CAN appreciate this - what better time to go on vacation (when he's graduated and is working part time)??!! His PTO should carry over no matter which branch of the library he goes to & no matter what promotion he gets. I think what it really comes down to is that he just doesn't *GET* it. I mean, he hasn't been on a family vacation since he was a little kid - and doesn't get along with a lot of his family (for valid reasons BTW). But regardless of that - knowing how important this is to me - AND hell, why not take a vacation??!! - WHY NOT GO??!! Honestly, I think he's chicken. I'm glad he cares what my family thinks, but not to the point that you just don't go. Here's the one comment he made during our most recent talk (Sunday evening) that DID get a nasty reaction out of me: "I've been to Pennsylvania, there's nothing new there to me". My response was: "my FAMILY is new to you". I followed that statement with: "Let me make something clear - IF we are still together next year, you ARE going!". Now his response was only "okay" but his eyes got really big - I think the message truly got across - finally.
The other thing was that when I brought up moving in together, he kinda stumbled across words & almost froze really. Now, he & I have been talking about this (sometimes joking, sometimes serious) for about 6 months. The 1st thing he said - which I expected - was that he wanted to get back on his feet after he graduates before moving out (my lease ends in May). But when I mentioned how LONG should I renew my lease for (7/9/13 months) he said he wanted to live by himself for a while before moving in with me. Now THAT surprised me - that was the 1st I had heard of that from him. I don't really care that he wants to live by himself for a while - I can understand that. But WHY bring that up only now & not before when we've talked about it?? When I addressed this with him (on Sunday), he told me that *I* looked relieved & that he thought I wanted to keep my own space - and he may have a valid point there. So much easier to renew than move. But I had to clarify something with him - I still WANT to move in together with him, but I was nervous to ask him about it. I don't know if that says something about our relationship, but moving in together IS a big step. Maybe it's a step NEITHER one of us is ready for. So I have to admit, that one is not entirely his fault.

**READERS DIGEST** (for those who don't have the time or just don't want to read all of the above): I have 2 concerns at this point.
(1)Is he starting to get "cold feet" so to speak - not with marriage but just of where this relationship is heading now? When I addressed this with him, he laughed at me & said that was definitely *not* the issue. So now the question becomes: Is he ignoring a problem OR am I making a big deal out of nothing???
(2) He is obviously NOT as big of a "family" person as I am. This is starting to become clear at this point. He doesn't have double standards at least - he's made comments about how he doesn't care if I *never* meet some of his family. But this could really grow into a major problem for me. Right now, it's just a single vacation. But IF we continue this relationship, he WILL be expected to go EVERY year! *ESPECIALLY* if we stay together long enough to get married or start a family. But again, is this him ignoring a problem OR me overthinking everything?!
The "truth" is probably somewhere in the middle - it usually is. I just need to hear input from 3rd parties...HELP!!!
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Couseling Session #2 [Apr. 13th, 2010|10:15 am]
[mood |optimisticoptimistic]

Ok - so this was actually a few days ago. No details, but it was a little better than the 1st time. A LOT of our issues stem from TOTAL different view points about things in general - which I already knew, but it impacts SO much. Basic example: I think EVERYONE has to EARN respect, regardless of title. This impacts me in work, life, ect... My mother thinks that the title itself deserves respect. Obviously, these 2 VERY different views lead to VERY different perspectives about a lot of things....
Anyway, we'll see how things go. But regardless, I am getting to spent a LOT more time with the kids now. No more issues with chatting on the phone for 30 minutes at a time (tho Lizzy IS still grounded, so yeah....). I've been spending at least 2 hours with them every week - usually after church, but even during their spring break. And since Mardi Gras, about every 3-4 weeks, I have gotten to spend almost a full day just hanging out with them. Just this past weekend, my mother invited me to go to New Orleans with them this upcoming weekend. I already told JC & Joe I would help them move, but the invite itself is an improvement. AND...might wanna sit down for this one...but mom actually asked me (assuming things are better by then) to watch the kids for the 1st weekend in November! Although my mother DOES get something out of the deal (AKA free babysitter) this is a HUGE step. We'll see where we stand as it gets closer, but yeah...things overall are much better!
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Ready for Easter Weekend [Mar. 30th, 2010|05:36 pm]
[mood |bouncybouncy]

Saw the kids this morning - had brunch & just talked about a bunch of random stuff. Just like old times. It was a blast!
Easter decorations are up & most of my stuff for baskets has been purchased!! And, of course, excited about Friday (both the singing & day with alex). Actually not sure what I'm doing on Saturday - but was thinking of finally getting my garden done. AND gonna see tim (and probably kids) weekend of 9-10th. I know I'm easily amused, but life is looking good!
Just gotta get through 2 12-hour shifts first...
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Counseling - Session #1 [Mar. 22nd, 2010|04:42 pm]
[mood |amusedamused]

So it's actually rather amusing in a way...but my mother and I were BOTH about 30 minutes late for our first session. The office address wasn't updated on the OLOL site. And while he had sent us info through email - it was in PDF format and my old computer doesn't like those. SO...I arrive about 15 minutes early only to find out that the office address *I* have leads me to an anesthesiologist. Ummmm...nope - that's not it. hehe. THEN his phone goes straight to message machine, so we had to wait for him to call back. THEN mom goes the wrong way on Jefferson...anyway, session was cut short.
So my mother STILL seems to have this image that I'm still in this "stepchild" phase...and *that's* the problem. ::sigh:: Whatever. The sad part is - and I told mom this today too - i don't even have the energy to care anymore. I know I've hit rock bottom (in regards to this i mean) when I don't even have the energy to get mad or sad about it. But we scheduled another appt for April and I guess we'll see how that goes.

So I actually had a romantic moment the other day. (Yes, shocking I know - it shocked Alex too. hehe) I thought of the perfect place for him & I to go for dinner on our anniversary. Portabellos - it was the first place we really met AND had a chance to talk to each other (Amber's dress rehearsal for the wedding - we ended up sitting next to each other). Ironically enough, neither one of us have been there since. Besides, on a more practical note, it's nicer than places we usually go but still not super expensive. Then we MIGHT meet up with his friends to see Clash of the Titans later that night. I'm actually ok with this mostly because I'll have the whole afternoon and early evening with him to myself. Don't know what we'll do in the afternoon - we might wing that part. Or just stay in. (::grin::)
Hmmm...what else....I'm LOVING the music for the classical ensemble group. Turns out I'm the only soprano that's gonna be able to sing, so I better step it up, huh?! hehe. We're singing "Crucifixus" which is harder than it looks. And "Weep Oh Weep Mother Mary", which is BEAUTIFUL!! I'm so glad to be back to singing some of this stuff...it's a GREAT stress reliever for me too. (Especially with family drama going on, ya know?)

I gotta figure something out for JC's b-day too....now where'd my thinking cap go??!!
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SHOULD be doing something.... [Mar. 10th, 2010|03:21 pm]
[mood |blahblah]

...but really don't feel like it. Yesterday I got a lot done including house stuff, working out, and going out with friends. Which was GREAT by the way - I LOVE being a big kid! But now I'm tired and feel like being lazy.
Anyway, today is one of those days that I have a list of stuff to do & don't feel like doing ANY of it. I got some cleaning done & decorations up for party on friday. A load of dishes and laundry. But I SHOULD go shopping & get taxes done - and I don't think EITHER of those are gonna get done today....Next Monday it is!
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